Another troubling thing is this: how many different ways can you say "no" to someone before it is time to ignore them forever? Because I am at this point with someone, and it is quite discouraging. I keep second-guessing myself and apologizing for my rudeness to this person. In rejecting him. So really, I am unwisely undermining my determined Wall put up against his damned infernal Hope. Things are a bit awkward for us currently. I don't feel myself to be in a position to give anyone any hope of emotional attachment right now, and shame to him for continuing on after receiving so much opposition. This is no 1.5 hour movie where things all work out in the end and she who rejected the most ends up accepting he with open arms. No. This is not like that, and I really wish he could see it. I can't guarantee that in 10 years, we won't be very different people and I won't have any desire to be with him, but I CAN guarantee that for 8, or even 9, years.
Ah, but I am heartless, sometimes. Where is all of this going? I am headed toward the corner of Bitter and Jaded Sts, I think. Can I rename them Enlightened and Unsurprised? This note has turned whimsical, but I think that is the lateness of the hour, rather than my being dismissive of my own feelings. As usual, write now, muddle later.
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